Does your teenager test your limits too?

Have patience; your teenager is working with a brain that is still under construction

Yes, many times, s/he tests the limits and awaits how you react. What do you do, then? Invite Tsunami at home OR strive to tide over the 50-feet wave along with your amateur surfer. Well, it sounds like a very difficult question. No?

But in reality, the answer is simple – breathe easy, restrain impulsiveness, and let your compassion exude.

Parents being parents are unquestionably protective and concerned. But ‘teenage’ biologically separates children from parents, emotion-wise. So face it! The more you (parents) nag, the more they (teenagers) wag.

Teenagers look for their identity, as they have a goal of developing into independent adults. They test their parents and wait to see their reaction. In the process they learn social expectations and disagreements management.

“Don’t I have any freedom?”, teenagers demand.

Your response as parents could be – ‘Yes, sure.’

But alongside, do ask them questions like:

What’s their definition of freedom? And, how will that help them and enrich their individuality?

Ask them to feel free and set some rules (so that responsibility seeps into them)

Also, tell them subtly that,

• Feeling free to take risk is good, but to take foolish risk can be dangerous
• Feeling free to give reasons is great, but to evade straight answers is wrong

Freedom to say ‘no’ is ‘required skill but showcasing noticeable deeds as an answer to the ‘no’ is ‘more important’. For instance, if your teenager gives you a notice that he is no more interested in his music classes, which he has had been taking for the past one or two year/s, you as a parent is bound to get a shock. However, if your teenager sets rules himself for his new found interest, which is Lawn Tennis, now, and manages time while performing equally well as in the past, s/he is being ‘braver’ and ‘smarter.’

So here, we see a win-win for both parents and their teenagers.

But parents need to have faith. Let the teenagers learn to fly. They may fall, but they will learn and get better seeing the real picture of life.

Few questions and demands are very common. Risky demands need to be managed carefully. Requests like staying at someone’s home or going somewhere alone at night or coming home late at night are risky given the day to day unsavoury and horrendous incidences. It needs to be reiterated that there are devilish forces around. The rising cases of child trafficking, rapes, rash driving, hit and run, drunk and drive cases etc. are an evidence to such forces and dark minds.

Yet, you are likely to hear from you child, “If my A friend can stay overnight at friend B’s home, so why can’t I?”

Your response could be, “Sure, we love you and care for you. You can spend a few hours, and we will pick you up at 12 midnight.” Let them understand the importance of ‘NO’. And, offer them better ‘alternatives’ like partying the entire day choosing some other convenient day or calling friends home or rather ask him/her what the other way could be.

Your teenager will brood but will learn to handle disagreements because.

Biologically speaking, your teenager’s brain is still developing, and many changes are happening inside. They analyse situations, reasons and responses, sooner or later.

You must have noticed how sometimes your teenager shows matured thinking, while at other times s/he behaves in an abrupt, impulsive, illogical and contradictory manner. There is something called back-to-front development of the brain, which explains these shifts and changes. Teenagers are working with brains that are still under construction.

Emotionally speaking, parents need to buy their logics, at times, for they are exploring, creativity, sports, and other healthy passions, which should be welcomed. Or if the demands are unreasonable or sound disastrous, then can try to avoid giving any response, for some time.

Kids usually spend 7-10 hours outside their home, but for the remaining hours they are at home. With lockdown and house-arrest, they are now seeing things even more keenly. Remember, home is an important environment for their development. Parents’ behaviour influences development of the child’s brain.

For instance, what time you wake up, how you make your bed, your fitness schedule, prayer time, how you clean up the home and take care of needs of each family member. Healthy food, resolute office work schedule while finding a dedicated corner, TV and other screen time, bedtime, your patience, behaviour and the extent of compassion while speaking. All these aspects are keenly and inevitably saw by your kids.

So, the best mantra for a healthy relationship with your teenager is – be a healthy role model.